I wasn't always a drinker. In high school I never drank. Didn't interest me. I think it was mainly that everyone I knew became idiots when they got sauced. Someone always wound up crying, throwing up or falling down. Sometimes all at the same time. So it didn't appeal. Then came college. Started drinking some beers there. Had to. Stupid peer pressure. But I got a taste for it. Fast forward to now. I'm a man who enjoys his scotch, his Jack Daniels, his Stella and his occasional red wine. I also enjoy drinking it past 1:30 in the GODDAMN MORNING!!!!

See in LA, everything closes at 2AM. Everything. Now I'm from NY where everything closes...well...NEVER. If it's 10am on a Tuesday, I can get a drink. So a drink after 2am is no sweat. Hell, most people don't even go out until 1 or 2am. But here?? Ha! Try drinking after 2am. hell, try drinking after 1:30am! I swear to God, it's like they turn into mini Nazis at last call. In NY, last call means OK, you can't have anymore to drink, but take your time, finish what you got and we'll close up when everybody is done. Out here? They will actually take your unfinished beer out of your hand, pour it out in front of you and PUSH you out the door. And this is at 1:45am!!!!!!!! I swear. This happened to me! I almost cut a muthafucka, but I no longer have my boxcutter, since I'm no longer on the subway. But I digress.

And the worst part is that EVERYONE is cool about it. As soon as last call comes around, everyone just leaves. Ladies grab their purses, guys grab their flip-flops and off they go. No arguing, no "dude, I'm not done with my drink", just out the door. Which just makes me more pissed off, because now I'm the drunk guy who doesn't feel like letting his drink be poured down the bar sink. BUT I PAID FOR THE GODDAMN BEER AND I'M GONNA FINISH IT! So, in the immortal words of Onyx, bacdafucup!!

Oh and another thing. Don't bother tipping the bartender in hopes that you'll get a buyback at some point. Don't waste your time. Doesn't happen. And I'm not just talking about the fancy bars. That I expect. I mean even in the shitty dive bars. You could tip all day and....nothing. Just a "Hey thanks man! Come back soon! Your a cool guy." NO ASSHOLE!!! I'm a thirsty guy! I'm a guy who is tipping you in hopes that you wake the fuck up and say "Hey if I give this guy a beer, that will COST ME NOTHING, maybe he'll appreciate it and come back and tip me some more!". Just makes sense, right? Nope. These morons just take my two bucks, smile and wander off to put more gel in their hair or some such shit. But if I was Will Smith and I said I was parched, these assholes would hand me the deed to the bar. Dicks.

In conclusion, I'd like to be able to actuallty get drunk. Just once. And get a free beer. Maybe it would make this city suck less. But they won't even let me do that.

Fuckers.